Exposing Our Children, Protecting Our Children

Earlier this year, I posted this on my blog:

Yesterday, I received a very sweet e-mail from a self-professed ‘dedicated lurker’ who asked the following question: "I wonder if you are ever concerned that your daughter's (beautiful) image will remain in cyberspace, with no mechanism for you -- or her -- to reclaim it or her privacy?"

She meant no disrespect by the question, she insisted; she just wanted to know. But she had been, she admitted, afraid to post the question as a public comment, afraid of being misunderstood as judgmental. I understood her concern. The question makes a clear point: shouldn’t I have second thoughts about posting my daughter’s image, about sharing that image with strangers? Should I not be more protective? I have asked myself these questions many times. I have asked myself these questions every time that I have posted a picture of my daughter

I have not come up with any easy answers. But nor have I resisted the temptation to post her image. I continue to post her image, with some abandon. The other day, I posted a picture of her in the bath. I had the thought, at the time: is this sharing too much, with too many? Perhaps.

I went on, in that post, to defend my decision to continue to post pictures of my daughter. You can go read them, if you want to. I still feel pretty much the same way - that the benefits of posting outweigh the risks - but I still carry a tremendous amount of ambivalence about the issue. So much so that I have resisted posting a great many pictures of her - both out of fear of what might become of those pictures, and out of fear of censure from other parents who might see the posting of such pictures as irresponsible.

All of which is to say: I think about this, a lot. And worry about it. And I (and the rest of the LMJ posse) figured that you probably think and worry about this a lot, too. And so we want to work together to come with some strategies for addressing the issues that attend to posting pictures of our children on the Internet.

So we want to know: how have you sorted this issue - the possible risks of posting pictures of your children on the Internet - for yourself? Have you sorted the issue? Do you just not post photos? Do you keep them private? Why or why not? Basically, we're asking you to share your experiences with posting pictures on your blog/website. What will and won't you do? What safety precautions do you take when it comes to posting pictures?

In the upcoming weeks, we'll gather links to your stories, and feature posts and, hopefully, some interviews, with parent-bloggers who have had to confront some of the issues realted to posting photos head-on. From this, we hope to be able to pull together a resource page for parent-bloggers who post photos and/or who are concerned about posting photos. Tracey Clark, photo-blogger and mom-blogger extraordinaire, will be on hand to lend her expertise to the discussion.

So tell us what you think, and send us your links!

Comments

[tracey]

I am thrilled we are taking about this issue. I can't wait to see what good comes of it!

[thordora]

Certain photos on my flickr are private, but otherwise, I don't panic about it. I have larger, real life concerns that I focus on.

I don't believe it to be irresponsible. It's a fact of life at this point. Certain types of photos might not ever make it on the internet, but I don't lose too much sleep about it.

And if other parents think it irresponsible, that's their problem. I'm so sick of the judgy mcjudgy game, it's not even funny.

[Liz Brabson]

I am a fairly new blogger and have really struggled with this issue. My husband is adamently agianst it. In the two months I have been blogging, I have posted three pictures, one of which was a newborn picture of my now toddler daughter, so I wasn't too worried about that. I won't post pictures regularly because my real name is on my blog and I just don't want to invite trouble. On the other hand, I like seeing other people's pictures. It's a dilemma.

[WhyMommy]

For myself, I've made the decision to post only baby pictures on my blog. Now that my baby is approaching a year, I have a decision to make -- at what point does he stop being a baby, and start being a little kid whose privacy I want to protect, like I protect his big brother?

Great topic.

[Carrie at Natural Moms Talk Radio]

I feel uncomfy about it, but like Liz, I love looking at other people's kids! I usually post an old picture or one that is really small. Kind of like books about the Amish where their faces are always turned to the side or hidden by an object they're holding?

[Jessa]

I post select images of my children on my blog. The rest of my pictures of them are posted on their website for family and friends.

I am more free with pictures on my Myspace and Facebook accounts because of the privacy measures I've taken to make sure only my friends are able to view them.

I think it's a tough call to make.

[Monica]

Wow. Where to begin with this issue? Let me just say that, in my opinion, posting any pictures of yourself or your children is just not prudent. I speak from a position of having been a police officer for almost ten years. I worked with the attorney general's office on serving a search warrant on a man who had more than 1,000 images of child pornography on his computer. In working with the investigators, we got to talking. I asked him if doing these search warrants was like digging a hole in the sand. In that, there are so many images out there being traded, do they really make a difference? He told me that, every once in awhile, they do. While it is extremely difficult to determine who took the picture, he told me a story of one image in which they were able to arrest an offender who took a picture of a six-year-old girl. The offender lived in the girl's neighborhood. She was over at the offender's house presumably playing with another child who lived there.
It goes without saying that we all need to know who our children are with and where they are at all times. But another interesting fact that I learned is that many of the pictures are taken by the child's parents or caregiver. Staggering.
Now, I am sure that all of the pictures that parents are posting of their children are extremely adorable and innocent. But here is my question.
Are you comfortable with the possibility that, somewhere out there, a child sex offender may be gratifying himself while sitting in front of his computer looking at a photo of your child? If you aren't, and I'm presuming you aren't, then don't post the photo. Because there are very definitely sex offenders out there surfing for pictures. And because many of them now know that they can, and will, be arrested for explicit photos, they are willing to take what they can get.
When I worked on the search warrant, mixed in with the other obviously pornographic pictures were some of children doing everyday things. Holding flowers, playing, etc. What they got out of these photos, who knows. But I know that I don't want them looking at a picture of my kid. Just the thought makes me feel dirty.
You never know who is watching you and your family. Look no further than Cheshire, Connecticut than that. The Petit family, in that case, went shopping at a convenience store for some last minute items. What they didn't know was that two very bad guys saw them, watched them, and followed them to their home. As you may or may not know, those guys later killed the mother and her two children and set the house on fire.
I cannot stress enough, from knowing what I know in my short ten years of law enforcement, that you can never exercise too much caution. The more information you put out there about you and your family, the more vulnerable you are.
Having said all that, I don't pass judgment on anyone who chooses to post pictures. Everyone wants the world to know how cute their kids are. I want the same thing. But not at the cost of a pervert possibly getting some happiness out of it.

[Reiza]

I won't post pictures of my kids. I used to in private forums, but through some "Protect your children" type websites, I found screen shots from pro-pedophile sites (yes, they exist and they're absolutely disgusting). I noticed lots of men had stolen images of little girls and used them in their sig lines. As soon as I saw that, I took down every picture of my kids, even in private forums. I keep my MySpace profile private and my albums there open only to friends. It's just not safe.

I really want to share pictures of my children, but I'm far too scared. Every time I start to lean on the side of blogging them, my attention is drawn to the dark side of it and I'm too freaked out by it.

[Reiza]

I won't post pictures of my kids. I used to in private forums, but through some "Protect your children" type websites, I found screen shots from pro-pedophile sites (yes, they exist and they're absolutely disgusting). I noticed lots of men had stolen images of little girls and used them in their sig lines. As soon as I saw that, I took down every picture of my kids, even in private forums. I keep my MySpace profile private and my albums there open only to friends. It's just not safe.

I really want to share pictures of my children, but I'm far too scared. Every time I start to lean on the side of blogging them, my attention is drawn to the dark side of it and I'm too freaked out by it.

[The culprit]

I have written a newspaper column for several years. In it I talk a lot about my daughter and use her first name. I have never used her photo in the paper or on the internet, partially at the request of my wife, but also for many of the reasons the police officer in the previous comment mentioned. I see court documents and cases all the time where the pedophiles are the people next door or down the street. They can see my daughter when we take a walk down the street, but that's in public and they have to look me in the eye too. But if it's on the Web they can just look at that photo however and whenever they want.
I just started a blog and it is about raising my two girls. I am using photos, but I refuse to show their faces and I don't use their names. They are Big sister and Little sister. People I know and trust will get photos email to them, but the public will have to take what they can out of what I'm willing to give.

[Izzy]

I have cut back quite a bit on posting images of my children for many of the reasons listed here. It just creeps me out.

[DragonMama]

The fear-based decisions really make me sad. Looking at everyone in the world around you like a potential threat is not a happy way to live an adult life, and does not bode well for the future happiness of our children. I do share pictures of my children, a few on my blog and MySpace, many more on the family's website (which is linked off my blog and alluded to on my MySpace). I chose to live in the reality that 99.9% of people are NOT pedophiles, and the chances of a pedophile taking a liking to one of my pictures are extremely minute.

The concerns that others have expressed about perverts, you can't prevent those things from happening and constantly worrying about it happening is the kind of mental path that leads to all of us wearing head-to-toe clothing with just a slit for our eyes out of fear that some part of us will tweak a fetishist's fancy. Following the line of thinking above, you should never take your chidl in public at all because even if you're right there with them as the one dad says he is when they're walking downt he street, some pervert could be hiding in a window taking a picture of your kids and photoshop you out of the picture. Or they could be across the street from the park shooting pictures. You have the choice to live your life in fear and shape your behavior to play to the paranoia (and the consequences that that choice has on your children's development), or live your life as an example, hold your head up, look people in the eye with a smile instead of a warning scowl, and actively try to make the world a better place for our kids (and accept the consequences that choice has on your children's development).

The mention of that horrific example of our psychotically antisocial society in Connecticut doesn't further the discussion - was that family targeted because they posted pictures on their blog? No, they were targeted because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and nothing aside from MAYBE attention to the detail that this car was suspiciously following them home and going to a police station instead of home would have possibly prevented that. I'm NOT advocating that we all put on our rose-colored glasses and assume the best without paying attention to the nastier elements. All of life is like a walk along a steep cliff edge - you can chose to constantly be watching your every cautious step and miss the breathtaking scenery around you, you can pay so much attention ot the scenery that you walk right off the edge of the cliff, or you can take in the full reality of it and the fragility of our human natures and be awed by the experience. I chose door number three, with an open invitation to like-minded people to walk along with me, and if perverts get off on some of the snapshots, that's not something I really need to concern myself with. I teach my children a healthier view of human sexuality and advocate everyone do likewise to prevent growing more of these clinical examples of repression.

At least, that's what I try to do.

[Monica]

I want to clarify something, because it appears that Dragon Mama misinterpreted my use of the Connecticut example. I did not mean to imply, nor did I imply, that the family in that case did ANYTHING wrong. They were innocent victims. My point was that you never know who is watching you, observing your habits, etc. I agree that you can't prevent every bad thing from happening in life. But my point was, why would you want to make it easier for people to prey on you by posting pictures of yourself and your family online?

Just wanted to clarify that because I feel like my words were taken completely out of context. I was also a little confused by what the the "clinical examples of repression" were.

But, great discussion topic anyway!

[Michele]

I think most of us bloggers have struggled with this at some point. We want to protect our children -- indeed, all children -- and yet like most parenting issues, you can't go overboard. An intensely personal decision. We decided to post an older photo on our public blog, but to save updated photos/information for family and friends for our private blog. Each parent must make the decision for themselves.

[bred]

I totally agree with DragonMama, and am thankful she made her point so eloquently because I am not feeling nearly as articulate!! I have struggled with how much information to share on my blog and elsewhere on the internet, but I do post pictures of my children and myself. I'm so glad that this discussion is taking place...it is helpful to read how much other people do share, and their reasons.

[jennifer]

what about someone else posting pics of my kids? can anyone give me advice on the legality of this? my sister whom i have no relationship with often finds my children in public places when they are out with their dad and snaps photos for her website. she knows it will get back to me that she has them posted. it feels a little illegal to me. what can i do, if anything? feel free to email me at longislandphotography@gmail.com i reported her to the site where she posts but i havent heard back yet.

[Mya]

I often see people posting photos of their children in the bath or swimming without clothes etc. on various sites (myspace, facebook and blogs) and I always wonder why they don't set those particular photos to private. These photos are EASILY copied onto other's computers and can be used as 'child porn'. I understand that you feel that these photos are your property and it's your decision but what about your kid? It's their image and once it's 'out there' it's out there FORVEVER and it's their face! I think parents should resist the urge to share the adorable bath shots publicly and reserve that for only people you know. It's the responsible thing to do.

[r12gh44]

The nude human body at any age is scienfically proveable not to cause any natural feeling of filth or obscenity. These feeling are the product of moral/religious preferences. These feelings of filth/obscenity are created by a parent/society yelling "Nasty" when child is nude or sees nudity. They come unnaturally associate a nasty feeling with a perfectly natural state (nudity). Pavlov pointed this out long ago but the masses are still spinning in stupidity. A human body at any age can be honestly appreciate if the mind viewing it isn't full of filthy associations with it. That is honestly see a human in the nude, clothed with no misconceptions, pure beauty, who we really are. The people that are filthy/obscene/wrong are the ones thinking those thoughts and imposing them on natural beauty.

[Sandra]

Hi... I'm new here, I linked from a great blog by Cheese Whiz.. :D Anyways, I have been freely posting my family's pictures on the web, and I am a victim of malicious and childish behavior. I've had those images manipulated and posted on chat sites, they were made to look disgusting and horrid. I've even had my home posted, with appropriate manipulations.

It ticked me off at first, but then I realized that the immaturity and insecurity behind the women doing it didn't affect me in the least. My daughters and sons would never see the pictures, I've told my friends to quit notifying me when they happen (they could still be destroying my pictures today for all I know), and I no longer think about the people that frankly, are vapor to me.

It's ugly, it's childish, and it's pathetic, but no pictures are completely safe unless you remove them from your home computer altogether. They don't have to be posted on a blog or MySpace for someone to try to get them. I just ignore them now. Like a boil, they'll eventually go away. :D

Love your site!

[john]

I am a father of a 4yr. old son. my fiance'took a picture of my son with her two children on halloween and sent it to their father in a text message... Well being the spiteful idiot he is he posted the picture on the front page of his myspace profile..What can i do? Is there ANY means of legal action I can take against him for placing the picture of my son on the internet without my consent? Any help is appreciated

[Tilly]

I honestly believe education is a key factor here. Educate yourself on how to play on the 'net safely. There are rotten types everywhere - think about what steps you take to protect your children out in the world from these types without locking them in the house for 18years? Now investigate what steps you can take in the online world to protect them in the same manner allowing them out there (in this case, publishing photos). There are always means of establishing privacy on the net from Facebook settings to password protected personal websites. Its a lovely idea that you want to share your darlings with friends and family, and it can be done safely - knowledge is power! Arming yourself with this knowledge is like locking your car doors when driving- you're not being an alarmist, just a realist who wants the freedom to drive their car but taking the precautions not to be taken advantage of whilst doing so! Best of luck with your breatfeeding campaign, your website and readers comments are certainly an inspiration.

[alexa nava]

I know my question/ commen might not have anything to do with this topic, but would someone tell me if there is any law preotetcing children from being exposed to seeing pornography. My ex husband has exposed my children (ages 4 and 3 when this happened) and though he admited this in family court the only response I got from the mediator wad that he apologized and would not do it again. I am in real need of knowing how I can help and protect my children. Thank you!